Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
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Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
Saving my good tweets for marriage
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time