So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
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Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
This was the best day of my life
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
We’ve come full circle
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.