The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
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PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]