My ideal weight is five million dollars
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Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
Don’t forget to tip your server
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.