What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
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when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
OH. COME. ON.
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
Beware…..
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.