Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
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To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.