Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
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Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geeseGuess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.