the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: ππππ I Dont know guys, leave me alone π
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Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
A leaf blower, but for people.
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u donβt have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth sheβll go βOh it wasnβt so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened wasββ and then tell the most terrifying story youβve ever heard.
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles βWhatβs an encyclopedia?β
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.