We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
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Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
prepare for carbonated trouble
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.