[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
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It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.