Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
You Might Also Like
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
Rich people don’t understand cereal
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.