[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
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Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
The opposite of Iceland is water water
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt’s so hard to meet people these days
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.