Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
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[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!