*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
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This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
they should invent a hydrating liquor
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!