My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.
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What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
These aren’t even hard anymore.
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂