An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
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my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT