I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
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“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
What a website
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.