“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
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bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
me when i see my girls butt
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask