me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
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*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you