Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
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At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
accurate
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!