cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
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E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
I don’t think my car can fly
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
can’t believe I got front row seats
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.