Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
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Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms