My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
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Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
This is the coolest video you will see today.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.