my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
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judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.