Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
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Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?