“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
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Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
I triple waxed for this?
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan