Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
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Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
I would move hell over six inches for you
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.