*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
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My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
WWE is French for “yes”
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.