I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
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Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
so, is there a mister shapen head
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.