The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
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my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family