I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
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Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still