Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
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I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
Me: I’m going to mall
Wife: For what?
Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop
Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?
Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.