Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
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I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
As the Lord intended
A woman drives into a bar.
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
Me in tagged photos
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.