We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
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Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
me linking you to my twitter
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”
Natty or not?
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom