In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
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Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe