When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
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If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
how much for the angry fruit?
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
God, I love Scotland
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
Rain chat:
“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD