Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
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[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
titanic
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things