Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
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*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
Pretty much! 😂👀
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
I beg your pardon?
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.