Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
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I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
Grow up never but we old may grow we
My dress code is business-casualty.
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes