who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
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Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
no one ever comes back
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
Dead sexy!!
Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.