*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
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Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up