I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
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Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
become ungovernable
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed