lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
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Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
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[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.