It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
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Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
Not😆🤣
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.