When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
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Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
Canadian owl: Eh?
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
Oh hi lol
More like Kate Missington.
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
crochet youtube is brutal
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.