there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
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Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?