If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
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Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
An odd boast
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
LA today:
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
All of my best ideas involve jail time.