Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
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My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
I need a headline like this
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?
no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.