Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
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Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.