went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
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I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
no their not
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
Truth
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?